Dora: The Unabridged Version
by Bird That Flies At Dawn
Summary: "Map, get him." With a screech of, "CANDYLAND!" Map threw himself at the guard, knocking him out cold. "Thanks, Map," Dora said, grabbing her boxes of drugs and throwing them into the boat, quickly snatching the bottle of alcohol from Boot's hands. "Hey!" the drunk money shouted. Backpack suddenly and for no reason screeched, "Screw you! Screw you all!" CRACKFIC
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Yes. This is the best parody of Dora you will likely ever read.**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Dora the Explorer, because if I did it would be rated TV 14 and all the characters would be way OOC and totally awesome!**

**Third Person**

"Oh my, Dora! Are you like flippin' retarded?" Dora's mother who we are going to call D.M. because it's shorter insulted her daughter.

"Why do you ask?" Dora set her eyes on the wall, not looking at D.M.

D.M. picked up a vase and threw it at Dora's face. The five year old was bleeding and turned to the audience. "Will you help me pick out my band aid?"

Silence erupted from the crowd.

"Okay! Backpack, will you come here?" Dora requested from her knapsack companion.

"No way! Screw you!" Backpack screamed.

"Get the heck over here!" Dora shouted at the arguing inanimate object who could magically talk, but no one could explain how.

Grumbling backpack complied. Dora then said, "Now can you please offer me and the others the band aids."

Backpack opened up while singing, "Backpack! Backpack! Ba—you know what? Screw you!"'

He threw the random band aids at the already bloodied Dora who cursed quietly and then put on a fake smile and turned to the crowd. "Should I use the big one, the small one, or the medium one?" An arrow mouse pointer clicked over the largest band aid. "Good choice! The big band aid because this is a huge mess!"

"No dip! Your mother is right! You really are retarded!" Backpack then stormed out of the room by floating.

"I'm on a show for like three year olds! I have to be (censored) retarded!" Dora then added, "Will you help me put the band aid on?"

The mouse slapped the band aid over Dora's face and the children in the background yelled with fake enthusiasm, "YAY!"

Through the object covering her mouth Dora said, "Good job!" You could barely understand what she was saying, but the point was implied by her lame thumbs up.

Just then a load of armed cops rushed into the room. "We know this is a house full of illegal immigrants! Put your hands in the air!"

Dora and the cops did not notice each other, probably because of the annoyance and cover of the giant band aid. When Dora was actually able to pull the sticky, adhesive object off of her face D.M. was gone as well as her father.

"What the heck?" Dora turned around in a circle, only to see that backpack had been left behind. "Oh great, so they take two abusive parents, but forget the sarcastic talking inanimate object?"

"Screw you!"

Dora just glared at Backpack when Backpack said something that was actually worth their time. "They took your parents back to Mexico so we just have to go on a mission and rescue them."

"You actually had a great idea…for once!" Dora excitedly pointed out.

"Screw you!"

Just then Boots walked into the house, tripping over his feet, a beer bottle in hand. He got out the slurred words through his drunken state, "Hey, Dora. Hey, random talking inanimate object."

"Screw you!"

"Hayz, soo waz wa doiz tzday?" Boots asked while throwing his arms around, spilling beer all over the floor.

"Uh…I think the answer to your question is stealing my horrible parents back from the police. By the way why are we rescuing them anyway?" Dora directed the question at Backpack.

"'Cus it's what the viewers would want to see," Backpack replied, latching himself to Dora's back as she rolled her eyes.

"Well then let's get map out," Dora suggested, pulling the Map out of the its pouch.

Map screamed, "Map is totally flippin' awesome! Suck it all of you!" With that said he opened up as a shocked crowd and the cast stared at him.

"Okaaay? Can you just tell us which way to go?" Dora sighed and tried to coax the weirdo paper to do as she said.

"Uh…west maybe. No east! Actually north? Wait…..Yeah it's north…isn't it?" Map confusedly told them.

"What the hackit? You're supposed to be giving us directions!" Dora reprimanded the map. "Just tell us the destinations."

"First we go to Florida and we party our hearts out while playing Candyland. Then we go to the Mexican border and cross the dangerous Rio Grande while illegally sneaking Dora's crack across the river. After that we steal your parents out of the awesomely awesome worn down piece of crap mud hut. But we're not done there, afterward we vacation to Alaska and play life-size Candyland!" Map gave out the random directions.

"Wow...um…okay! We'll we set off tomorrow after Boots gets over the horrendous hangover he's bound to have," Dora suggested. She then knocked the beer bottle out of Boot's hand, and with that the group prepared for the day to come.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I haven't updated in a while, and guess what? It's my birthday and I'm on vacation...**

**Disclaimer: Hi!**

The group of…wait…counting…one…two…three…four? Well anyway, the GROUP walked on the path that was strangely already set out for them. It was then that Dora's phone started to vibrate. She pulled it out of her pocket and exclaimed, "I have an email!"

"Five year olds have emails?" Boots asked.

"Screw you!" Backpack shouted.

"To Florida!" Map directed.

"First off, yes. Second, what the heck. And third, you've told us that like forty times now." Dora rolled her eyes.

"Thirty-seven! I've been counting," Map told them.

"No one gives a—" Dora began.

"Remember," Boots reminded her, "this show is to be appropriate for toddlers and immature teens."

Dora sighed and rephrased the comment she had created in her mind. "No one gives a chlorine filled balloon."

"Better," Map announced.

"Anyway, I have an email. Should I open it boys and girls?" Dora questioned the crowd she couldn't even see. When silence came to be her answer she said, "Good choice."

Dora opened the email and immediately the device said, "You have received new hate mail."

"Let's open it!" Dora suggested. She opened the email, and luckily for the toddlers the thing read the message to them.

"Dear Dora,

I hate your guts. You are the most insulting TV show I have ever seen, and that's saying something because I've watched your cousin Diego's show before. I am now shuddering involuntarily. I wish that someone would abduct you, shove a carrot up your butt, chop off your liver and feed it to rabid sharks, tie your body to a pole, and then roast you over a campfire. Then your roasted remains would be fed to the local tigers.

Your Friend,

Lilly."

"Dear Lilly, I have something to say to you. Backpack, would you do the honors." Dora stepped back and offered backpack to say his famous line.

"Screw you!"

As Dora opened her mouth to speak her phone once again spoke. "You have received another hate mail message."

"Isn't that nice," Dora commented.

"Your hate mailbox is full," the piece of machinery told her.

"Already?" she asked.

"You hate mail had to be sent to the post office," the phone responded.

Dora sighed. "Do I have to?"

"The post office is full of your hate mail. Please go to China to pick up your hate mail."

Dora gave the phone a weird look. "China? Why? That doesn't even make sense…"

"China is full of your hate mail. Please pick it up on the moon."

"What! That doesn't even make sense!" Dora screamed at the phone.

"I'm sorry, but the moon is full of your hate mail. Please—"

Dora cut her phone off. "Shut up!" She then threw the phone at a wall, panting as the device broke in two. "How are there even that many people who hate me?"

"Trust me," Boots told her, "there are that many people out there. Heck, even the Martians hate you."

"How would you even know that?" Dora asked.

"I talk to them as you sleep." Boots then stared at Dora creepily.

Dora looked slightly creeped out and very much annoyed. "Um…that's strange…"

"What?" Backpack let out. "I wasn't paying any attention to what was going on."

Then map screamed, "To Florida we go!"


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I know I haven't updated in like forever, but at least I am now!**

**Disclaimer: Are you really asking me if I own Dora?**

Dora was leading the group on heavy feet to Florida. She was exhausted, but the "people" had told her to move for at least sixteen hours straight!

"That's it!" the girl screamed. "We are stopping for the night!"

Map and Backpack stared at her. She looked around and realized as soon as she said that Boots had collapsed onto the ground. Dora just shook her head. "They should have known an alcoholic monkey wasn't going to make it that long."

Map started laughing. "Florida."

Dora looked at him with annoyance. "Do you ever stop talking?"

"Do you ever stop talking!" Map defended, covering for himself.

"I knew it," Dora stated.

"Screw you!" Backpack shouted.

"I didn't even do anything!" Dora argued.

"I want pancakes," Boots murmured, deep in sleep.

"I hate how Boots always sleep talks," Dora said.

"I hate how Dora has a fat face," Boots added.

Dora glared at boots with seething anger. She proceeded to kick him in the face.

Map cracked up laughing. "FLORIDA!"

"We get it!" Backpack yelled.

Map threw himself at Backpack and the two began to throw punches even though they don't have arms, so it was a very confusing fight to watch. It really made you wonder…

Boots and Dora continued their argument, he insulting her and she kicking him in the head.

The producer/director/lead dude ran out from inside his limousine that followed them. "Hey! You guys need to quit it!"

"Yeah, just like Dora needs to quit smoking," Boots continued.

Dora kicked him again, so hard this time that Boots sunk further to the ground, unconscious.

The lead dude's eyes moved to stare at Backpack and Map.

"I hate you!"

"You fight like a girl!"

"You fight like a piece of paper!"

"I am a piece of paper. At least I don't fight like a three year old!"

"Well I don't fight like a pro wrestler!"

"Neither do I!"

The lead dude's mouth was hanging wide open. The camera man stepped closer to him and asked, "Why did you even hire these guys?"

"We hired them because of their cuteness, but we didn't expect them to go this far…We can't really replace them now because there's been like six seasons of Dora already," the lead dude explained.

The camera dude then declared, "I thought it was because they threatened to shoot you or something."

The lead dude shook his head. "They didn't do that, but I wouldn't put it behind them. I have a disastrous group including a drunken monkey, a crack loving girl, an obsessively annoying map, and a Backpack that has way too much time on his hands…"

"I heard that!" Backpack shrieked.

"Oh well," the lead dude answered.

The grumbling in the background could be heard, but not very clearly. A loud breaking noise then echoed around the clearing.

"Hey!"

"You deserved it!"

"That was my lamp!"

"Or was it my lamp?"

"No it certainly was not!"

"I beg to differ!"

"You better not! You're not a dog! You're too ugly to be a dog!"

"Should I take that offensively?"

"I think you should!"

"I don't know if I can believe anything you say!"

"Maybe I can't believe anything you say!"

The arguing went on and on, although it was obvious that it was totally pointless. The lead dude shook his head. How did his show get so many views? No one would ever know…


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Dora the Explorer is not owned by me. Judging the chaos that occurs on set, why would I even want to get anywhere near them?**

Dora held a map in her hands, trying to figure out where the hackit they were. "Where's that director guy when you need him?"

"Screw you!" Backpack screamed.

"I wasn't talking to you!" Dora shouted back.

"I think you're holding the map upside down," Map said, getting nauseous from being upside down for so long.

"Oh!" Dora turned the map right side up. "Thanks, Map. This is much better."

"I agree," Map sighed in relief, his stomach calming down.

"So we have to cross over ice cream forest?" Dora exclaimed sarcastically. "We are in Tennessee, yet we are supposed to find an ice cream forest?"

Boots answered, "I think they set the forest up."

"That makes more sense," Dora added, nodding her head. "To the Ice Cream Forest!"

"To the Ice Cream Forest!" Boots and Backpack echoed.

"Florida!" Map shouted.

The group glanced at him worriedly.

"We'll work on that," Dora announced.

Map nodded his head excitedly, bobbing up and down and murmuring various things about Florida and the likes.

Dora fell to her knees, praying. "Please, please, please let this journey be over soon."

Boots came up behind Dora, patting her back. "Dora, you know they will never let us be over with this episode this quick."

"I know. I just don't get why we film for days for a TV episode that is fifteen minutes long," Dora told him.

"None of us do," Boots replied, "but that doesn't mean we don't have to do it anyway."

Dora and Boots got up then, clambering to catch up with the others...who hadn't made it very far now that they thought about it.

The trio...no...quatero...group of four..? Um, whatever you call a group of four people randomly traveling together, walked along the pathway, skipping. This behavior was very unusual for the weirdoes, and anybody who knew them would be severely worried. The lead dude was.

"Call someone. STAT!" he ordered

"What's wrong?" the secretary asked, rushing for the phone.

"Look at them," he retorted, his eyes wild. "They must have digested something poisonous."

The secretary glanced at the screen, her eye widening in horror. "I'll call poison control."

The lead dude nodded his head. "Good, good. I'll be waiting."

The secretary ran out of the room, already yelling at someone on the other line. The lead dude just watched the group. Something was wrong. He just new it.

Dora felt herself be tackled suddenly. "Hey, watch's the meaning of this?"

"We're poison control," the man said.

"Poison control!" Dora snarled. "Get off me!"

The man shoved something down Dora's throat, and the girl unwillingly swallowed.

"What was that for?" Dora asked begrudgingly.

"We have to have you throw up the poison," the man stated simply.

"Throw up?" With that Dora turned around, puking her guts up. "You'll pay for this."

Map joined Dora, Boots not soon after. Backpack punched the guy in the head before throwing up, flames burning in his eyes. "Screw you!"

Dora threw herself at the man, grabbing is hair and shaking him back and forth. Backpack grabbed onto him as well. "Screw you!"

Map started kicking the guys feet, and he fell over, and right onto the waiting Boots. The monkey proceedingly bit him in the stomach. The man screamed. "You're crazy! All of you! CRAZY!"

The lead dude nodded his head, watching the screen. "Now that's more like it. I believe our group of out of control kids is back to normal."

The secretary nodded her head as well, agreeing. "It would appear so."

The two glanced at each other before turning slowly back to the large TV.

"What have we done," the secretary whispered.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN For JJ: Do I really have to repeat it? You know what to do.**

**AN: Sorry that I haven't updated in a while!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dora the Explorer nor have I ever wanted to.**

Map and Boots glared at each other, Backpack and Dora grumbling to each other. Map just wanted to get to Candyland, thinking that everyone was crazy for reacting how they did. Boots just wanted to get some much needed sleep away from the wackos. Dora wanted to get this episode over with. Backpack...well, we all know what Backpack wanted.

They were almost to Florida. Finally! It had only taken them days to get there.

Now Map had the need to sing.

"Shut up!" Dora screamed.

Map glared at her. "Why should I?"

"We already have to put up with enough crap from you!" Dora shrieked. "Let's not add singing show tunes to the incredibly and irritatingly long list."

"If there is a list, then please read it," Map replied snarkily.

"Alright," Dora retorted. "Being obsessed with Candyland, starting arguments with Boots, being mentally insane. Should I continue?"

Map just started at her with angry eyes before sighing. "No."

Dora smiled with a bitter sweetness. "Good."

Map quieted for a while, but couldn't hold in the words for long. "So, Candyland. Do you play it telepathically?"

"What?" was all Dora could get out.

"It's exactly as I asked," Map told her.

"No," Dora said simply.

Boots spoke up then. "Hey, Dora, I'm drawing you a picture. How do you spell your name."

"D-o-r-a," Dora informed him. "It's really not that hard of a name, Boots."

Boots waved her off. "Pssh. You don't know what you're talking about."

Dora gave him a what-the-heck-are-you-talking-about face, but let it go. What was the point of arguing over something stupid to get a stupid and most likely hopeless result? None.

It was quiet again, something that they knew would not and absolutely could not last long, so they enjoyed the silence and the slight breeze in the hot environment.

"Screw you!"

Okay, moment over.

"What was that for!" Dora yelled, punching Backpack in the face.

Backpack pulled on Dora's hair. "What is wrong with you, you drug addict!"

The two rolled on the ground screaming and insulting each other. Boots brought out a bag of popcorn he had been saving for a time like this. "I have no idea why they're fighting, but I'm not going to argue."

Map laughed. "This is almost as exciting as Candyland!"

Boots rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say."

So that was basically how the day went on. That was until Dora pinned Backpack down, slamming his face into the ground. "What are you going to do now, purple face?"

"Screw you," Backpack hissed before going limp, knowing her had lost the battle.

The two got up then, turning away from each other unhappily.

"Can we just continue our way to the border?" Map asked, sighing.

Boots nodded his head in agreement, finishing off his popcorn.

Dora sighed as Map had done. "Yeah, okay. Let's keep going."

"Screw you," Backpack whispered.

"What did you say?" Dora asked, raising her fist angrily.

Backpack looked around himself then back at Dora. "Wait, were you talking to me?"

"Yes," Dora snarled.

"Oh," Backpack started. "I didn't say anything."

Dora narrowed her eyes, making her way to the front of the group as they traveled through some random Florida city. "Whatever you say, Backpack."

One could only hope that they made it the border soon, before one of them killed another.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: No, I do NOT own Dora the Explorer. Why even ask?**

Dora was sitting under a tree, the stars shining brightly above her. The group she traveled with had many problems, but that didn't make the night any less beautiful.

"Screw you!"

Or maybe it did.

"Can you just shut up so I can enjoy the view!" Dora shrieked, severely annoyed at the irritating people...things...whatever they were that accompanied her.

Boots had somehow sneaked a bottle of beer past her, and now Dora smacked it out of his hands. "Did you forget we're on a mission?"

"Noes," Boots slurred.

Oh, great.

Map was far away from the group, shivering on his own. "Candyland." That was the only word he had muttered all day, and Dora was left to wonder of he really had gone insane.

"Screw you!"

There was no difference there, seeing as that was practically the only thing Backpack ever said. She knew he was capable of more, but why he never spoke anything else she wasn't sure.

"Backpack, it's getting late outside and I'm sure we all need our sleep," Dora coaxed, trying to get the others to slip into sleep. She didn't care if it was peaceful or fitful, so long as they were unconscious.

Backpack grumbled under his breath, but Dora watched as the inanimate talking object leaned onto his side, his breathing becoming more even. Boots had passed out long ago, and not even Dora dared approach Map. Who knows what the psycho might do?

Dora wasn't even sure Map knew...

She wondered now why they hadn't gone straight from where they were to the border. Why had they gone to Florida first? It really made no sense to her, but if Map was giving the directions she should just be glad they weren't lost yet. She should be grateful, but for some odd reason she wasn't. It was probably just because she's tired. At least, that's what she told herself.

The whole odd crew fell into, as Dora had hoped for, a very fitful sleep.

**(LINE BREAK!)**

They woke to, guess what?

"Screw you!"

"Backpack," Dora groaned, sitting up groggily.

"Yes?" Backpack asked, surprising Dora at his vocabulary, even if it had been lacking in thought and any attempt at wishful speaking.

"Um...nothing," Dora bit out sheepishly at being caught in a trance.

Backpack said nothing more, and that surprised Dora, too. He was always using his catch phrase, so why not now? What had changed? That's when she caught his gaze, and followed it until she found Map twitching underneath a large tree.

Dora sighed, knowing she had been automatically elected to wake him up. She hesitantly stepped closer, touching his...paper body...lightly. "Map, wake up."

What she didn't expect was for him to start strangling her! Wait, he didn't have hands! Dora screamed loudly, trying to figure out what was happening.

Map suddenly dropped her, staring at her with a mortified expression. "Sorry, you shocked me."

"Enough to try to kill me?" Dora questioned with heavy sarcasm.

Map didn't take the hint. "Yes."

Wow, he sure was thick for a piece of parchment. "Just don't do it again."

Map said nothing, but they silently agreed. Next time it would be a fight for the death and Map was not confident that he could win, so he wasn't about to take his chances.

Dora stood still for a moment before saying, "Well?"

"Well what?" Map retorted.

Dora rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to be leading us the the border, remember?"

"Oh, yes. And at the end of our journey we will play Candyland," Map stated, not even trying to make it into a question, for he was sure about their next actions. Dora could not deny that, because she did not see what lay in front of them, while Map had it neatly drawn into him. Literally.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Sorry that it's been so long since I last updated.**

**Disclaimer: Same as last time.**

**OOOOO**

"Okay, so we're clear on the food issue now, right?" Dora tried to clarify.

"Yeah."

"Uh huh."

"Candyland!"

Dora glanced at Map. "Okay then, I guess we're clear on what we're doing."

"Wait, so what am I doing again?" Boots asked.

Backpack looked at Dora with confusion. Map just sat next to the tree, his eyes glazed over.

"Okay, let's just make this simple. We are going to go to McDonald's, and we are going to eat. Everyone understand?" Dora tried again.

Everyone nodded again…well except for Map.

"Uh…what are we going to do about Map?" Boots asked.

Dora turned to look at him. "Okay, I touched him last time. It's time for someone else to wake him up this time."

"I nominate Backpack!" Boots shouted.

Backpack grumbled but approached Map, poking him lightly. Without warning, Map screeched, shooting to his…feet…whatevers. Backpack backed up…his eyes wide. Map calmed down soon after though, grinning. "Food now?"

Dora nodded. "Yes, we're going to get food now."

"Yay!"

Dora sighed, turning down the path. "Okay, let's go then."

The four of them walked down the path. It wasn't far until they reached McDonald's, the sign huge and attracting them to it like moths to a flame.

"Fooooood!" shrieked Map, running into McDonald's.

"Hurry!" Dora exclaimed, rushing the others to catch up with Map.

When they got there they were shocked. Sure, Map did plenty of crazy and mental things, but attacking a McDonald's employee had to be somewhere at the top of that list.

"Map, put him down," Dora ordered.

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" Map screamed.

"I'll give you food," the man being attacked said, "just let me go!"

"For food?" Map asked.

"Yes!" the man answered.

Map seemed to think about it for a moment, but then he released the man who hurriedly leaped over the counter and out of reach.

"Sorry about that," Dora apologized. "He's kind of nuts."

"I figured," the man said. "So what do you guys and that Map want to eat."

"Just give us…chicken mcnuggets," Dora replied, looking at everybody to make sure they agreed.

"Okay," the man said, turning around. He brought their food a moment later, and they all sat down to eat. Well, all of them except for Map.

"FOOOOOOOOOD!" he screamed, running around eating his chicken mcnuggets.

"Well at least he ate," Dora announced.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Okay, so I asked around and the answer I got was that yes, shorter chapters and more common updates are more what is wanted more this story than longer chapters and infrequent updates. So from now on the chapters are going to be between four hundred and six hundred words, but this story will be updated every day or at least every other day.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dora the Explorer, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**OOOOO**

"Where are we?"

"Are we there yet?"

"How much longer?"

"Candyland!"

"Okay, we're days away from my parents, so everyone shut up!" Dora answered, incredibly annoyed.

"So we're days away?"

Dora turned towards Backpack, her teeth pressed together with seething anger. "Yes, Backpack. We're days away. Now SHUT UP!"

"Screw you!" he screamed back.

Map looked between the two. "Candyland?"

Boots laughed. "Yes, Map. Candyland."

"WOO HOO!" Map shrieked, spinning in circles.

Dora and Backpack just glanced at him before turning back to glare at each other and throw more insults.

"You're ugly."

"You're fat."

"You're a talking inanimate object."

"Well I'm smarter than you and I'm just an inanimate object."

"At least I have opposable thumbs."

"WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT AN ALIEN!"

…. – that's what everybody's brain pattern looked like at that moment.

"What?"

"I said at least I'm not an alien."

"You think I'm an alien?" Dora screeched. "That's it, you're going down."

She tackled him to the ground and rolled them through a mud puddle.

"Hey," Boots said, "look at them rolling around all over each other."

"I don't know exactly what you're insinuating," Dora shouted while pushing Backpack away for a moment, "but it's not true."

Boots laughed quietly to himself. "Haha, I finally know of their affair."

Dora and Backpack continued wrestling, both looking pretty beat up at this point.

Map was sitting by a tree again, rocking back and forth slowly with his eyes wide open and completely glazed over. "Candyland," he kept repeating.

Boots laughed maliciously, taking out his iPhone and taking a ton of pictures. "This is so going on Facebook." He put the phone pack into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of booze. "Now to sit back and relax."

"I'm going to kill you!"

"Screw you!"

"Candyland."

It was completely chaotic…well; it was actually kind of normal for the group of four. They always had something wild and unexplainable going on.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: This story is finally getting somewhere…kind of! Haha. Thanks for all of the reviews, alerts, and favorites.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dora the Explorer, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**OOOOO**

"We're close to the border now guys, so we have to buy a boat."

"We're crossing over on a boat? Don't you think they're gonna catch us?" Boots asked.

Dora crossed her arms and glared at him. "You're questioning me why exactly."

"Uh…no reason. I just think they're gonna catch us," Boots said nervously, twitching away from her so he didn't get hit…or even worse, get his beer taken away.

"It doesn't matter if they catch us," Dora explained, "because we have Map."

"Ohhhh," Boots and Backpack chorused in understanding. Of course, why hadn't they realized the obvious answer sooner?

"Candyland?" Map asked.

Everyone turned to Dora who smiled and nodded. "Of course, Candyland, Map. That's why we're heading to Alaska."

"Yay!" He began to run in circles again, but this time he ran into a tree. Poor Map.

"So," Dora continued. "Let's go buy a boat."

"I want to get a blue one," Boots added, bouncing up and down with excitement.

"SCREW YOU!" Backpack screeched.

Boots kept silent for a moment, but then suggested, "A purple one."

Backpack said nothing, so Boots took that as a yes. Dora did too, and led them on their way to the boat shop. It wasn't far from where they were previously, but the no pets sign had them worried. Did Map act civil enough to take inside? They didn't worry long though because Map pushed past them and ran inside the store.

"To buy a boat!" Dora exclaimed.

"To buy a boat!" Boots and Backpack echoed.

They then followed Map inside. He was sitting inside a large purple boat and wearing a large purple hat with smile that belonged to a crazy person on his face. "Captain. Me Captain."

"Of course, Map," Dora said, giving him a thumbs up. She then turned around to Boots and Backpack. "Don't worry, there's no way I'm letting him drive that boat."

Dora approached the salesman. "We'll be taking this boat."

"Okay, it will cost—"

"No," Dora interrupted. "I mean we'll be taking this boat for free."

"I can't let you do that," the salesman interrupted.

Dora signaled Map down from the boat. He ran to her side and then jumped on the salesman. They both began screeching.

"It's either the boat or your life," Dora told him.

"TAKE THE BOAT!"

"I thought you'd see things our way."


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Okay, so now that the crew has actually made it to the border, expect at most five to seven more chapters. Thanks for reading my story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dora the Explorer, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**OOOOO**

"We have to put the boat in the water," Dora explained.

Everyone stared at her dumbfounded. Well, Map was only staring dumbfounded because he was so utterly and ridiculously stupid, but everyone else was genuinely confused.

Dora huffed in annoyance. "Boots, just get in the truck."

Boots complied, jumping into the truck they had used to tow the boat. It was bright red, and the whole entire ride Map had been obsessed with it.

Dora could still remember every word said…

_ "Look! Look!"_

_ "What, Map," Dora sighed with aggravation. She swore there wouldn't be anything right with the world if there weren't crazy people around…too bad she didn't care._

_ Dora could just envision it…_

_** "Hello, Bob," Paul said, shaking his hand.**_

_** "Hello, Paul," Bob responded.**_

_** They went off to work and finished it quickly since there were no stupid nuisances to deal with. As they left, the sunset glared brightly. Then, the world imploded.**_

_** THE END OF THE WORLD.**_

_** KABLAM!**_

_ Yeah…no. Dora decided it wasn't worth envisioning and turned her attention back to Map._

_ "I'm a fireman!" Map pointed out._

_ "Map, you are not a fireman," Dora told him._

_ "I'M A FIREMAN!" Map screamed._

_ "SCREW YOU!" Backpack shouted from the backseat as the noise woke him up from his nap. Boots was in the trunk passed out. Dora told him if she found beer on him she would kill him. She wasn't kidding either. Luckily, she let him live…just barely._

_ "Alright, Map. You're a fireman," Dora said, sighing again._

_ "YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!"_

_ Map had done that the rest of the way to the border._

Dora squinted in confusion. Had she just…had a vision inside a vision? Whoa…total epicness explained.

"Back up. Back up. Back up. Back up," Map said over and over.

"Are you sure?" Boots questioned out the window, unable to see any completely behind him. The boat was already in the water, but Dora was still caught up in her thoughts and didn't answer. Unfortunately, Map did.

"Back up."

Boots kept going in reverse, the truck falling into the water and sinking. He hurriedly jumped out and onto shore.

"BOOTS!" Dora shrieked.

"It was Map's fault," Boots defended.

Everyone looked to Map who just giggled maniacally.

Dora wasn't sure who to blame anymore, so she just repeated, "BOOTS!"


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Thanks for the reviews, favs, alerts, and views!**

**Disclaimer: Same as last time.**

**OOOOO**

"Map, get him."

With a screech of, "CANDYLAND!" Map threw himself at the guard, knocking him out cold.

"Thanks, Map," Dora said, grabbing her boxes of drugs and throwing them into the boat, quickly snatching the bottle of alcohol from Boot's hands.

"Hey!" the drunk money shouted.

Backpack suddenly and for no reason screeched, "Screw you! Screw you all!"

Of course a guard had spotted them, but Dora had predicted this. Map was the perfect weapon. Crazy…oh, and his hands were invisible. That was always helpful.

"Dora, stop being a hypocrite," Boots slurred, wobbling slightly.

Dora cursed internally and threw him over her shoulder. "Boots, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Well," he continued, lifting his pointer finger and spinning it around—he was really wasted, "You have all of those drugs, but you always take my beer away."

Dora was now on a mental cursing rampage. "Well…I can quit anytime. You need the help."

"Liar," he spluttered, promptly falling asleep once the words were out.

Dora knew he was right, but she wasn't going to wake Boots up to argue about it anymore. Dora hid a lot of things. Her drug problem…her relationship…her affair. She was full of lies, and now she had to go chase after her abusive parents who just happened to be illegal immigrants. Why hadn't the police people taken her too? Dora really wanted to know. If they had she wouldn't have had to travel with these wackos.

"Map, Backpack, get in the boat," Dora ordered, tossing Boot's unconscious body into the boat as she wait for Backpack and Map. They joined her and got in as well, Map trying to sit in the driver's seat—or whatever it's called on boats—and drive the boat. "No, Map. It's my turn first. You have to handle the anchor. That's the most important job."

Map seemed disappointed for a moment, but quickly brightened after hearing his job was the most important. Unfortunately, that was a lie—one of Dora's many. Dora knew they probably weren't even going to use the anchor. She just wanted to keep Map from killing them all.

Map bounced up and down and giggled insanely the whole entire time that Dora started up the boat. Dora wanted to bang her head on a wall in annoyance, but she let it go. She didn't want Map to go wild and attack her. She knew it was entirely possible, and she was taking her chances even lying about the anchor. She was just glad that Map wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. He probably would never even realize that he hadn't contributed to the boat ride at all.

Dora let her thoughts go back to starting up the boat, and she began to drive it across the river. She was almost to the other side when gunshots started.

"Stop where you are!"

Oh crap.

"Map, I have a more important job for you."


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Okay, after this chapter they'll be on their way to rescue Dora's parents…we'll they've been doing that the whole time, but this time they'll be going directly to where they've been taken.**

**Disclaimer: Why is this even here? Of course I don't own Dora the Explorer, and come on, who gets paid for a Dora fanfiction! Yeah, that's right. No one.**

**OOOOO**

"WHAT!" Map screamed in excitement.

Dora smirked maliciously, pointing at the guards that had their guns pointed at them. "Get them, Map. Make sure they won't be able to follow us."

Map nodded, a determined look fixing itself on his face. Then he screeched wildly, throwing himself at the guards. They panicked and shrieked in fear. Dora had predicted something like this would happen, and that was why she was glad that she kept Map around. He was a very helpful crazy person.

Boots had fallen asleep. Dora swore that he could sleep through an explosion. He was that deep of a sleeper. Backpack was watching with disinterest, knowing there was no way Map wouldn't return. Helpful crazy people tended to be successful most of the time.

Dora watched as Map took out the guards one by one. Soon the battle was over, and the winner was obvious. Map. How could he not have won? The day he lost would be something to see.

Map leaped back into the boat, smiling broadly. His insanity showed in that smile. Think of the most horrific movie you've ever seen. And we're talking slasher film with ghosts that fly around convincing people to murder other people. Yeah, that times ten would have reflected what shone in Map's smile. Overall it was one of the most terrifying things Dora and Backpack had ever seen. Boots was lucky; he got to sleep through the moment. "Did I do—CANDYLAND—good?"

Dora cringed away from him slightly as he leaned forward with his disturbing smile, wincing as she looked away. "Y-yeah. You did great, Map."

He paused for a moment, but then the reaction everyone expected came. "WHOOOOOO! WHOOOO! I DID—CANDYLAND—GOOD!"

Boots grumbled in his sleep, turning onto his side. Dora and Backpack watched him, waiting for him to open his eyes. He never did.

"How did he sleep through that?" Dora asked skeptically, lifting an eyebrow in Backpack's direction.

Backpack shrugged. "Boots can sleep through a lot of things."

Dora nodded, accepting that. It was true after all. Map was still yelling about his successful fight when the group reached the other side. Dora smiled and stood on the edge of the boat victoriously. "We've made it passed the border. We've made it to Mexico."


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: There will only be one more chapter after this one! ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: Not doing this again.**

**OOOOO**

The group had been traveling for hours, and all Boots did was complain, all Backpack did was scream his usual phrase, all Map did was…well, act crazy, and all Dora did was shout for everyone to shut up.

They reached the house where Dora's parents were, all panting and trying to catch their breath.

"You finally got here, you stupid piece of crap!" DM screamed, throwing another vase at her daughter.

Dora rubbed her face. "Uh, thanks for that, Mom."

"You disrespectful brat!" She threw a knife this time, narrowly missing her daughter.

"Are you really trying to kill her again?" Dora's father asked, sighing and approaching the two girls. "We can fight at home. For now though let's get home." He glanced at Map, Backpack, and Boots. "I guess we can take the lunatic piece of paper, the drunk money, and the inanimate talking object with us as well."

"Screw you!"

"Anyway…" Dora mumbled, trailing off.

Dora's father shrugged, leading the way out the Dora and grabbing DM, pushing the furious woman out the door.

Backpack went after the two, Boots wobbling his way to the…car—Dora tried to figure out where her parents would have gotten the car and came up blank—and got in. Dora ushered Map to follow, and the pair wasn't far behind the others as they got into the automobile.

With the car they reached the border a lot quicker. Dora pointed to the boat, guards swarming it and covering it like bees do a hive. She glanced at Map, getting his attention. "Map, can you clean out the boat for us?"

Map nodded excitedly, rushing forward and somehow convincing the guards to leave. They all ran screaming into the desert around the border. Dora, Backpack, Map, Boots, DM, and Dora's father boarded the boat, crossing to the other side in a matter of ten minutes.

DM and Dora's father sighed with relief as they stood on the American side of the border. "What a relief to finally be home."

Dora raised an eyebrow but let her wondering about their illegal actions go. "So are you guys ready to head back now."

"Yes!" DM screeched. "No thanks to you!"

Dora stared at her like she was completely crazy, like Map crazy. "I just went through traveling with these three, fighting off people, buying random crap, and traveling hundreds of miles to come rescue you, and I don't even get an acknowledgement or a thanks?"

DM glared at Dora. "No."

"Anyway," Dora grumbled unhappily. "Let's go."

"ALASKA! CANDYLAND!" Map shrieked.

"Oh yeah," Dora murmured. "I forgot about that." She turned to her parents, smiling broadly. "So how do you feel about a vacation in Alaska?"


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: This is the last chapter. I hope you all enjoyed reading this!**

**Disclaimer: Eh…okay, I'll do it one more time. I do not own Dora the Explorer, and I am not making any money from this fanfiction.**

**OOOOO**

Dora was watching the TV screen in disbelief. She, Boots, Backpack, Map, DM, and her father had just returned from Alaska—which had certainly been…interesting—an hour ago, and now they were watching the new episode of Dora the Explorer. "What is this…?"

The footage was so mangled that their journey actually looked like…a normal rescue, and the producer/director—or whoever handles the footage and idea stuff for television shows—had made the reason for the rescue a fox named Swiper. Apparently he had stolen her hair ribbon box. Dora could not even express how angry she was that she went through all of that chaos only to see a bunch of garbled crap.

It just wasn't worth her time, but knew somehow in the end she'd do another episode. Then another. The another. The pattern continues.

She sighed and leaned back. Yep, this wouldn't be her last crazy adventure.

It was a good thing that she was completely prepared. Map had made sure of that.

**AN: Okay, so there isn't going to be a sequel. Sorry! I'm focusing more on my other crackfic now, but I really hope that everyone who read this liked it. Thanks again for the reviews, views, alerts, and favorites. Oh, and I'm sorry that the last chapter's so short, but I felt like this was a good place to end the story.**

**Thanks again!**


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